Happy Birthday Dearest Dead Rita

She would have been 77 today. It's impossible to believe she's been gone 10 years. Right now 'You raise me up' is playing. That was what she did for me and those she loved.

But the song that best describes her is Bette Midler's 'The Wind Beneath My Wings'. When that song first came out, I gave it to her on a little cassette. I stood there just in awe that she would play a song that perfectly described who she was to me. While it might have been named Song of the Year in 1990, it was the song of my greatest love, my Mom. Wherever Bette Midler is at this moment, may she continue to sing songs that bring such love and meaning to others. Also, I'd like her to read Dead Rita's Wisdom. It's perfect for her – outrageous, funny, heartfelt and wise. Like I see Bette Midler. So if you know her, please make an introduction for me. And I just looked up her BD on IMDb. December 1. Frankly, if her BD had been the same as Mom's, I wouldn't have been able to handle it. But it's nice and close!

Here are words that to this day make me cry when I hear them:

It must have been cold there in my shadow,
to never have sunlight on your face.
You were content to let me shine, that's your way,
you always walked a step behind.

So I was the one with all the glory,
while you were the one with all the strength.
A beautiful face without a name -- for so long,
a beautiful smile to hide the pain.

CHORUS:
Did you ever know that you're my hero,
and ev'rything I would like to be?
I can fly higher than an eagle,
'cause you are the wind beneath my wings.

It might have appeared to go unnoticed,
but I've got it all here in my heart.
I want you to know I know the truth, of course I know it,
I would be nothing without you.

(CHORUS)

Fly, fly, fly away,
you let me fly so high.
Oh, fly, fly,
so high against the sky, so high I almost touch the sky.
Thank you, thank you, thank God for you,
the wind beneath my wings.

Happy Birthday Mom – how I wish you were here so that I could make you a pineapple upside down cake and you could eat all the pineapple off the top. Loved it when you did that!

A thought of how we end 2008

Click to read a little Dead Rita Wisdom and some other thoughts. This was sent to clients and friends and it's truly for anyone looking for a way through this time. A thought of how we end 2008

I wish I could see what you see

It was always one of the things about Dead Rita that was so frustrating. She couldn't see herself clearly. She couldn't see the beauty, the wisdom, the strength that those of us who knew her saw in her. And when I would spend hours talking with her about who she was, and that she could do anything, she'd look at me and sadly say, "I wish I could see myself the way you see me. But I don't."

I thought I had that one under control. That I saw myself clearly. But in the last few days, and especially today, I realized, I don't. I am truly not believing what is possible – or what I've accomplished. And it's a shame. Because too much time is spent trying to overcome my OWN objections. Really frustrated, I decided to blog about this and then I thought about turning to a chapter in Dead Rita's Wisdom for some….wisdom! And the following is an excerpt of what I found just now that I had previously written in a moment of clarity in the Chapter titled "Yes, but":

After she died, I received a wonderful gift from her. I believe it is the last piece of wisdom I ever heard in her voice. It was in 2003, I was at a coaching retreat and had come to some realizations about who I truly was and what I could bring to the world. And it wasn't grand or grandiose, but it was life changing and very grounding for me. Knowledge brings peace – there was no euphoria, just a settling in my soul who I was. And as I sat journaling in this last day of the retreat, I was filled with a serenity and then I heard Dead Rita say to me, "Vic, you have just learned what I never knew: you have learned who you are and now no one will have to spend their lifetime trying to show you that – and no one will have the responsibility as you felt for me to try and get them to see their own innate skills and gifts."

If Dead Rita's Wisdom never hits the shelves, I'm good because it's real wisdom and it will used to help those who can benefit from it through me. (But I'm seriously up for a monster book tour!)

I forgot what I know. I have to reflect and remember and see myself as others see me. Not for better or worse (the way I usually head), but actually as who I am.

In my fears and frustration today, I continue to faithfully ask for signs and support. And they come not from an apparition of Dead Rita, but in the form of profound conversations – and wonderful friends, old and new, who touched my life today.

And I am truly thankful.

Well said

So I'm a little late posting my joy at our new President Elect. But after YEARS of pain, a few days is nothing. Last night we had an event for Itafari at the Hyatt in Bellevue WA. The students of Prof. John Bacon's marketing glass had a pay it forward for our organization….they KICKED it !! Over $21,000 raised with FEW expenses. Amazing. They named their organization IGNITE and they certainly did. There was a great mood in the room last night – an aura of hope. Something will change in this country and I'm happy to be watching it and play any part I can in it.

So here are my thoughts about our new President Elect. And they're not my thoughts but a dear friend who said it as well as I've heard. Julie Bonaduce – fabulous woman, tremendous friend, and creative as all GET OUT! Her are her words:

What a miraculous time to be alive.

The last 8 years have been an exercise in despair for me, and I allowed it harden into a nasty shell. But at the Democratic National Convention in 2004, the crust cracked. Just a little, but it cracked. The next day I got online and gave $100 to a freshman senator from Illinois. In the comments section of the contribution form, I did nothing short of beg him to be my president.

Obviously I don't take credit for his decision to run. In fact, I was certain his webmaster would find it odd - some loony chick in Oregon sending a hundred bucks to a practically unknown senator half a country away. But maybe there were a lot of us loonies online that day. And on a chilly February morning in Springfield, maybe there were even more of us who decided to take an active role in a political campaign for the first time in our lives. And perhaps there were still more of us who had been dealing with despair for a hellava lot longer than eight years, and who finally decided it was time to fulfill the Dream.

I can hardly wrap my head around the joy and pride that I feel. I'm happy to call myself an American again, but also feel a little ashamed for having let one man's politics of fear take that away from me. So thank you, America, for showing what you're really made of. And thank you to those of you on the other side with the grace and willingness to participate in the miracle, even if you don't necessarily agree with the politics of it. And to those of you who are angry and dealing with your own despair now, I understand. I genuinely hope that we can make it up to you, and maybe even win back a little of your confidence in the system by showing that this way can work, too. You might even find we can be better and stronger for it.

I'm proud to be an American. Not in that loud, strident country song kind of way. It's a deep, abidingly peaceful way that leads by example. I'm proud to be an American that will again be compassionate and trustworthy and willing to listen, particularly to those with whom we disagree. And I'm VERY proud to be an American that finally and truly begins to live the values set down in our constitution. Ya know, that little snippet about all men being created equal.

This is a good day. I hope we remember and continue to live up to it every subsequent day of our lives.

Darkest before the Dawn

Twice I watched my parents file bankruptcy. It was brutal for Dead Rita. Not so much for Mr. Papa. He lived as if everything would take care of itself. Was a huge risk taker and didn't plan for the future. He sold insurance and ironically bought none for Dead Rita so that when she had cancer, she had no insurance. For her, there was so much shame at failure. For him, more of a defiance. He was the fighter. I did love that about him. But it cost them everything as a couple.

I always believed as I watched Dead Rita suffer, that her priorities were not quite in place. But her reaction came from a life of embarrassment and fear. And so to lose everything was … everything. My perspective is different.

I am so thankful I was in Rwanda this last month. Even the bit of news I saw on the BBC or CNN when it came through on my TV, was difficult. I could get the news on my laptop, but was too busy to follow the day to day ups and downs. We have tried to protect our assets as much as possible but are also deeply affected by the worldwide financial crisis. Not easy, but not everything as it was to Dead Rita.

I have been given a perspective that is not unique, but certainly not common. It is not all about the bankruptcy of the material – it is so much more so about the bankruptcy of the spirit. And that of course is not lost. While Rwanda is a place of incredible growth and healing, it is also a place of loss and pain. The deaths of over one million people have brought suffering on the millions left behind. True loss. True hopelessness. With no chance to recovery – just the prayer of healing the loss. And to see that first hand reminds me of what is important and true and worth suffering for.

Whenever I get overwhelmed thinking about our financial future, a different future than I imagined just a month ago, I remember. We are not bankrupt. Of the financial and certainly not of the spirit. I control only ONE thing: my reaction to the present. And dear Dead Rita's Wisdom comes to mind: it's always darkest before the dawn.

It is darker in the world than it has been in a long time. We must remember the dawn is coming. And while life is changing, we have so much to be thankful for. I cannot tell you how remembering those words, which while not original to her, but coming from her, comfort me. Remember the wisdom from those you love or have lost, and be comforted.

A Must Read (AMR) Always ahead of her time

IMAGE SHOWN IS THE FIRST BIRD DEAD RITA EVER DREW FOR ME....HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE BLOG! :)

Dead Rita was always ahead of her time. No really. She would get an amazing idea and then NOT act on it due to fear or insecurity or lack of faith in herself. And then six months to a year after she realized or created something, it would hit BIG.

When she retired from her work, she didn't know what she wanted to do but she wanted to create. She had very little money and had started doing these amazing shadow boxes that looked like real scenes. What she couldn't buy in miniature, she made. Like tiny blocks, or crocheted a little rug. Amazing. When she told me about them, she was sure she could sell them for a couple of hundred dollars a piece. And I knew she could. They were exquisite. John and I decided to seed her with the cash. A modest $500. I thought she would pee her pants she was so excited.

She created about 10 scenes and took them to a high end craft show in Ft. Wayne. I knew they would sell out. She was terrified to show them and get feedback. Mr. Papa went with her – the ultimate salesman/carny hawker. EVERYONE stopped to admire them. Few were purchased. A little out of range of Ft. Wayne Christmas shoppers. She was crushed. About 2 years later, I saw the same idea (nowhere near as exquisite) in a high end gift shop. Dead Rita was with me and we just shook our heads. That happened all the time!

It reminds me of this book I just read that you should read: A Whole New Mind: Why Right-Brainers Will Rule the Future by Daniel H. Pink. This book was published 3 years ago but it was new to me. It's a fascinating discussion of the shift our world is making to honor the right side of our brain. The creativity; the uniqueness that is in each of us; the freedom we gain when not constrained by anything other than our senses (as defined by Pink: DESIGN, STORY, SYMPHONY, EMPATHY, PLAY, MEANING). http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WhKLSTBSgwI

This book was Dead Rita – operating fully with BOTH sides of her brain – the accountant/artist….cerebral/verbal….intellectual/practical. Her wisdom for me continues to be magnificent. And when I finish my book proposal, it will be for you too! J

10 Years Later

I'm in Rwanda through 22 October working on behalf of the Itafari Foundation. I believe this will still be posted on 3 October in US. I just wanted to note that it's the 10th anniversary of Rita's passing: how unbelievable to me. Who knew 10 years later I would be working here. I was telling Sara who came from the UK to join me that there was only one thing I knew for sure: that Dead Rita and I would grow old together. I was wrong. But I could have only have dreamed that this woman who loved me so well could touch the lives of so many since her death. May all you do in your life honor those you have lost, as I strive to honor my dearest departed Mother.

I've been bad about blogging in the last month as I prepared for this, my 6th trip to Rwanda in 3 years: read my other blog to follow that adventure. http://itafari.org and go to the blog highlighted on the homepage.

Hope to see you somewhere in the world, sometime soon.

It is well with my soul

There is so much trauma in the world. Self inflicted and inflicted upon us. But healing happens constantly through all mediums. Healing through the arts is the mission of Well Arts Institute http://wellarts.org/ , a nonprofit in Portland that seeks to enhance wellness using the creative arts in the severely and chronically ill and people living with traumatic life events.

Last night I went to a fundraiser for them. KC Cowan, host of OPB's Oregon Art Beat acted as a fabulous MC and Susannah Mars, a vivacious cabaret singer brought warm, humor and personality to her performance. Additionally, two powerful pieces by Wells Arts were presented by the actors and writers who use the stories of those who have suffered to give insight to the audience of their pain, their journey and their path of healing.

The writers are those who experienced the work brought to us. They choose an actor to represent their story and the rest unfolds before the audience.

It was really good! (you can see why my eloquent reviews don't warrant newspaper space!) J And money was raised for this important program.

I think of my darling Dead Rita and how she struggled with her cancer. She couldn't even say the "C" word until almost the end. Her story would have been fabulous. Her story, her wisdom, is the one I tell in my book. But what if she had had the chance to tell it in her own words? Healing would have been more complete.

But it is now well with her soul. There is more wellness in the souls of those whose stories are told through Well Arts Institute. And the gathering last night to celebrate and support this work made the souls of all who were in attendance better for being there.

Go to the website and then attend a performance in the future - you will be better for it.

Sharing Abundance: Find. Give. Connect.

We are blessed in this country. It is that simple. Some more blessed than others for sure. And if you choose to serve others, it is good to work in partnership with people who are of the same heart, soul and focus.

An amazing woman and friend of mine Della Rosenthal began an organization in 2005 with her sister called Sisters of the Community with a mission of providing low-income families with clothing, toys, books and other basic needs. After distributing 20,000 items in 18 mos. they decided to grow their organization in a geometric way and came up a unique solution: an online virtual warehouse where non profit organizations in need of items for their beneficiaries could meet donors in need of sharing their abundance.

With 160 organizations signed up, the need is now for DONORS of items.

Here's how it works: Go to the website http://DonorsResource.org and read all about it. Look at the organizations who have signed up. Click on I WANT TO DONATE and add your items to the virtual donation box. (watch a 3 min. video on the site to see how it works). Your privacy is not shared (email address) just your item. After you enter it successfully, and 'sent your item to the virtual warehouse' you'll be contacted through the website. But YOU initiate the contact with the organization to get your item. Brilliant.

Abundance is a gift. Here's a chance to share what you have with others in need.

Ethnic Pride

Where am I from, exactly? I don’t exactly know. For all of my thousands of conversations with Dead Rita, she was a little fuzzy on her heritage. She was born out of wedlock to my grandmother and Johnny Clark. I THINK it’s all German on my grandmother’s side….but is there some Polish in there too? I don’t know anything about Johnny Clark my grandfather. Mr. Papa proudly discussed his German heritage….but there was always so much exaggeration and so few facts, I have no idea where HIS family comes from within Germany.

It’s a family of secrets from a heritage standpoint. And I’m surprised at how little I care. Probably because it was never emphasized by either parent.

This all comes up as a topic after we spent a lovely evening at the Festa Italiana last night. John aka Giovanni, beloved amore, is half Italian (Father) and half Irish (Mother). But we definitely celebrate the Italian part of him and even went to Toro Italy to find his lineage.

When in Rwanda I see the pride of being a Rwandan, being from a certain place. That was never emphasized in my family and therefore few facts are known to me. I know I could do that whole genealogy search, but I don’t think so. It’s just interesting to see what is focused on by our parents, and then what legacy we are left with because of it.

I seem to fit in wherever I am in the world. But strangely enough, when we were in Northern Italy near the German border, John was handed a menu in Italian, and I was handed one in GERMAN! Das ist so lustig!

A Must Read (AMR) – A Grief Observed

Welcome to my book corner. This reoccurring section of my blog is brought to you by my desire to share some of the meaningful books in my life. Some are more serious than others, but they are all about wisdom. Like my book about the wisest woman I'll ever know and her universal wisdom – http://DeadRitasWisdom.com Sign up at the website to get advance notice….I'll even sign your copy! How exciting for me!! And thanks.

AMR 3

One of my favorite authors CS Lewis wrote this book to describe his journey through the grief of his wife's death. He was a brilliant scholar and tutor who lived from 1898 – 1963. Well known for The Chronicles of Narnia, Mere Christianity and his lesser known works such as The Screwtape Letters (one of my favorites).

I found A Grief Observed not long after Rita had died. But I couldn't finish it. Lewis' journal of struggle, agony and near despair struck too close to home early after her death. Finally, I finished it a few months ago, nearly 10 years after her death. So much of what I experienced in understanding my loss and grief was spoken through this journal. A book of less than 100 pages that I recommend for anyone trying to understand their own journey through loss. NOT a light hearted read but one that brings healing.

I rarely discuss the loss of Mom because I honor her more by my action than my mere grief. But there is a place for grief and for me, CS Lewis helped to understand that journey through it.

The best advice Dead Rita ever gave – gave me a great marriage

I met John in January 1980. We married August 15, 1981. (honeymoon picture shown above) I was 24. His children were 12, 14, 16, 18 and he was 42. They said it wouldn't last. And they was everybody. Fair enough. It looked impossible. But the impossible is always possible. Ask anyone who has overcome impossible odds. An Olympian athelete, a single parent, a business person facing terrible odds, a survivor of the 1994 Rwandan genocide. And yet. We accomplish the impossible.

Our lack of support was complete. Dead Rita's support was nonexistent and would have been a deal breaker if she hadn't taught me the following lesson: "someday you may choose someone we disagree with – if you can leave your entire world to be with him, then go. If not, he's not the one." I got engaged on a regular basis (no really) and whenever I asked myself that question, invariably I knew the answer was NO I WOULDN'T LEAVE MY ENTIRE WORLD TO BE WITH THIS MAN!!

As we neared the big day in 1981, I got nervous and asked myself the question above. Without thinking, I said, "yes, I would leave my world!" I was stunned and afraid and knew he was the one. In the meantime, Rita (not dead then) did everything but throw herself in front of a train to stop the upcoming nuptials.

In fact, 2 nights before our wedding JOHN told me I shouldn't marry him! He told me I didn't know what I was doing. I was devastated and told him, "look – someone has to believe in this besides me! You have to believe we can make it."

But a year after we were married, Dead Rita apologized and said she was wrong. I reminded her of the wisdom she had given me when I was 17 which made me realize he was the one. She didn't remember but it was true wisdom. (it's this kind of universal wisdom in the upcoming book)

A seriously great marriage. Funny, sexy, loving, successful. We're now 51 and 69. I'm at the height of my career, John is retired for 6 years and just built an airplane. Life is good. And while everything could change in a moment, I cherish this life and what we've shared. I do – I do – I do!

Flourish

A wonderful friend of mine started an organization called Flourish.

"All serious daring starts from within." — Eudora Welty

Flourish was created in 2007 by Nancy Thompson as a way to Connect, Inspire and Empower women by bringing together interesting people and inspiring events that help participants grow, thrive…Flourish! Nancy combines her creative talents, event planning skills and strong desire to be a catalyst for personal growth to create a unique business that is focused on inspiring and connecting women. The goal of Flourish is to create a community of women who value the opportunity to take time from their hectic lives to relax in the company of other women, explore new things, and share ideas in a fun and relaxed atmosphere. Through her own experience as a wife, mother, worker, volunteer and friend, Nancy knows how easy it can be to lose our "self" in the busy-ness of life. Flourish's mission is to offer events that will create wonderful opportunities to re-connect and celebrate who we are as women.

I've attended her events and have left inspired. Paola Gianturco who wrote Women Who Light the Dark took my breath away. Dr. Kelley Reis, a Naturopathic Physician gave a wonderful talk about women and health. Nancy brings women together in a meaningful way.

She asked if she could feature me as 'August Fabulously Flourishing Friend' (ah, give me a second….SURE!). So here's the link: The Flourish Flash Blog - http://flourishpdx.wordpress.com/ To see more about her events and attend and connect and FLOURISH, go to: http://flourish-pdx.com/ See you there!

And thanks Nancy for allowing us to flourish together. V

A Journey of 60 Miles

A new friend of mine, Laura Simmons is walking in the 3 Day Breast Cancer walk for Susan G. Komen for the Cure Race. She will walk 60 miles over 3 days in Seattle beginning on September 12^th. I am supporting her financially on this journey and encourage you to do the same.
http://08.the3day.org/goto/DrLaura

Dead Rita died from complications of breast cancer. The last time I walked in the Race for the Cure in Portland was in 1997 with her. She didn't want to do it – HATED cancer but joined me on the walk – truly for me she walked. It was an 8K and though she was in good shape, she had feet as tender as a baby's. So what did she do? Buy new tennis shoes and not wear socks! By a mile into it, she was hobbling from blisters. But she refused to give up. I gave her my socks and she walked in socks only for the rest of the walk. She NEVER went barefoot and it was excruciating for her. But we finished. Dead last. (even the motorcycle cop passed us.) And 40,000 participants. But she finished the race.

I honor her by giving whenever I can. But I still cannot bring myself to walk a race for breast cancer….yet. In the meantime, join me in honoring someone you know. Give any amount. But please give. Thanks. To donate go to Laura's home page on the Komen site: http://08.the3day.org/goto/DrLaura

A True Must Read (AMR) – Walter the Farting Dog

Welcome back book worms and readers! This will be a reoccurring section of this blog…books I love. Other than http://DeadRitasWisdom.com

AMR 2

Through the simplest of messages come profound ideas. No. Not flatulence. This first book in the series appeared in our home a few years ago when our granddaughter gave her grandfather, aka Pappy, aka John, the first book for Father's Day. I was dismayed at the title – tooting is just not something I embrace. But the grand kids and John roared as she read the book aloud to him.

Walter has a problem with back end blow outs and this book is all about his adventures. The underlying message is that this series is for everyone who has ever felt misjudged or misunderstood. For you must understand, Walter's bottom burps occur when he is happy – or using his unusual power to save the day.

Beautifully written and illustrated, a real toot, I mean HOOT, to read:

Titles include but are not limited to:

• Walter the Farting Dog
  
• Walter the Farting Dog Farts Again!
  
• Walter the Farting Dog: Trouble at the Yard Sale
  
• Rough Weather Ahead for Walter the Farting Dog
  
• AND EVEN ONE IN LATIN: Walter Canis Inflatus (because they farted in Roman times too)

There are others in the series which I also own. There's a plushy with sound effects. Which I don't own.

Authors: William Katzwinkle and Glenn Murray – Illustrated by Audrey Colman

My A Game

I can't speak to this weekend's attempt for the largest kazoo gathering in Hillsboro for the Guinness Book of World Records BUT there was excitement for me at the Williamette Writers Conference on Saturday!

I met writers, agents, intelligent thoughtful people who are working hard in the book business. And then I remembered what I didn't realize I'd forgotten: writing this book is just like another business. And I love business.

Writing Dead Rita's Wisdom and marketing it is no different from the business of the Itafari Foundation or the business of my Executive Coaching and Speaking business. It's all about executing a plan and following through.

For Itafari, it's about clarifying the message of assisting Rwandans to rebuild their country in ways they know are most productive. http://itafari.org

For my business of coaching and speaking it's working with clients in a way that empowers them to be their personal best in business and in life http://victoriatrbosh.com

For Dead Rita's Wisdom it's the message of what this book is about, what it can do for others, and how it's needed to assist people in connecting in with their own inner wisdom. It's about a compelling and convincing book proposal. A great author's platform. A passionate belief in the power of this book. http://DeadRitasWisdom.com

For all these things in my life (and other areas as well) I need to bring my A game or said another way, not hold anything back. An excellent message, proposal and then execution.

Just like life. Have an A Game week my friends.

Agents and Kazoos

I thought this weekend was going to be relatively quiet but it's just picked up a few clicks!

This morning John was reading the paper and said, "hey, did you see this article titled Asians troll for books?" What??? And then he said AGENTS (I have got to get my ears checked!) will be at the Willamette Writers Conference this Saturday and writers can pitch their books! Now doesn't that sound like fun?? It does to me! Talking about DEAD RITA with new fresh faces…it feels like I'll be at Amateur Night at the Apollo Theatre ready for the buzzer. Because all they can say is no.

Dead Rita's Wisdom – the series….Wisdom Weekends for Women….Book club appearances….website http://deadritaswisdom.com/ (have YOU signed up for notice about the book?) … Larry King Live (don't ask about the last one – just a weird premonition)

I'll report back Monday.

And THEN, to keep our grandson happy on Saturday, John also spotted the Guinness World Record Attempt for the largest kazoo ensemble in Hillsboro Oregon! (And as the ad says: no talent required.) Now that will be entertainment!

Everybody wins! Somebody is going to make a splash!

Happy Friday.

A Must Read (AMR) – The Art of Power

No, I'm not talking about Dead Rita's Wisdom, soon to be published by a yet to be named publisher. (But do sign up at the website to get first notice – http://DeadRitasWisdom.com) This will be a reoccurring section of this blog….books I love.

AMR 1

I'm reading THE ART OF POWER by Thich Nhat Hanh (great news – you don't have to pronounce the author's name, just buy the book).

I'm interested in the study of what power is truly about. This book is the most interesting and thought provoking I've read in a long LONG time. Thich Nhat Hanh is a Vietnamese Buddhist Zen master, poet, scholar, and peace activist. He reveals how true power comes from within. What we seek, we already have. (Amen and amen!)

It is the wisdom we have that leads us. And true power is understanding the ability to be happy right in the present moment, free from addition, fear, despair, discrimination, anger and ignorance. 218 pages long. Well written and life changing.

Wise man who shares who he is, how he lives, and what he knows. He's written many books and if he wanders into the genre of dead mothers, my book is toast! (but I'm not too worried) Enjoy his words of wisdom.

You just don’t aim to believe!

My Jr. High School math teacher, Mr. Schmidt used to say that. I didn't like math – but he knew the chances of succeeding were much greater if I believed I could succeed. And he'd always holler: You just don't aim to believe! And he was right – and when I began to believe, then I succeeded.

Yesterday on my 'Twitter Tweet' I started the day with - "Settling into Monday and not settling for anything but the best" . I meant it too. On Sundays I'm always eager for Monday and what opportunity it will bring. By Monday morning, not so eager. But I decided yesterday morning would be different. And by 11am, I found $2300 I didn't know I'd lost.

You just gotta believe. In what's possible. And what the day will bring. From a blow-your-hair-back kind of belief. And I do believe I do believe!

I'm sure Mr. Schmidt is dead now too (he was in his late 50's/60's in the early 1970's when I was in school.) Dead Schmidt's wisdom.

So, do you aim to believe in what is possible?

I could use some wisdom

Having grandchildren staying with us becomes a full time job for me. Though I'm wise enough to get them off to camp all day, when they're home with us I want to be fully present. But who do I become around them? I'm so tough on them! Lots of laughter for sure. Fun. Games. But lots of rules. I never chose to have children of my own but marrying John was the great cosmic answer to that plan. I was given, and truly accepted, four. They're all grown and now have these wonderful kids that they share with us.

So in the summer when they visit for a week at time, I want to give them my best. But I know I want too much. I want them to knock it out of the ballpark every time. And whenever they say something that shows their doubt in their own abilities, I'm RIGHT THERE to coach them to…. what ? A better answer? A more empowered view? I don't know. I don't always remember that who they are is enough. But how do you consistently bring out the best in a child and encourage them to believe in themselves?

Good evidence that the kids love me. They're all eager to visit and stay with us. My grandson Matthew said, "Vitsy, you are very funny!" (Now THERE'S a brilliant child!) I know I connect with them. But I must not be frustrated for them. It's important to balance my desire for their success in life with the reality that who they are, in this moment, is enough.

Boy could I use some of Dead Rita's wisdom! How did she do it so well for me? She was tough. Didn't tell me I was wonderful all the time. But somehow I felt loved and supported. Her compliments were always sincere. But I wonder what I think is missing.

This is when having a dead mother really becomes an issue for me. When it becomes clear that I really need her here.

I'll search around in my brain for a good answer on how to be the best for my grandchildren – what WOULD Dead Rita have said?

But sometimes words of encouragement from a great source really help. So if you're reading this and have words of wisdom, don't hesitate to tell me. I don't know it all: I just look like I do!

Sign up for notice on book!

So I've owned the website DeadRitasWisdom.com for sometime. But the homepage was just a placemarker from godaddy.com Kinda ugly. And definitely not Dead Rita's style.

But no more! Da-Da-Da-(provide your own crescendo here) DAAAAAA! Website is LIVE - which means take a look and SIGN UP to receive early notice when the book will be available for sale. (not selling your name or any nasty thing like that - just pure notification when available).

You say your name is RITA??! LUCKY YOU! You'll receive a free copy if you're one of the first 500! Nice huh? Dead Rita would like that. (She was very generous.)

No pressure. No hook. Just letting me know you were serious when you told me "I can't wait for this book!" Be the first on your block to own it! When you say? Not sure, I say! But the suspense is building....

Click here to go to the website: http://deadritaswisdom.com/ How exciting is this!

Dead Rita in the News

No surprise to me. She's making waves from beyond the grave (that's a weird visual). But wisdom is wisdom and her ability to remind us that we can have a powerful voice should not be limited in life (or death). She has my vote! Enjoy this news piece about her.

http://www.news3online.com/index.php?code=7SKS216y2esL277Lyh26

Big Sister is Watching

Huh. So I get a google alert on the Arianna Huffington's blog The Huffington Post website that there is the 'Victoria Trabosh Campaign and Donations' Page. Huh. ( I think again). Who's raising money for me, and what campaign am I in?!

Really, I am so dumb sometimes. I go to the The Huffington Post FUNDRACE 2008 and there I am with my contribution that I've given to a presidential candidate. (contributions over $200 show – with the street you live on, the candidate(s) you've given to and the amount.) While I realize political contributions aren't private, this is interesting to me. They show that my zip code has given over $100,000 in the primaries.

I am stunned at the amount of money we spend to get people elected. And as hard as people work to make money, so much of it is wasted by the candidates and their staffs. The business of their business, electing their candidate, is often a poorly run business. I'm just saying.

Too bad I wasn't right in the first place. That there was a Victoria Trabosh candidate…..I would have supported her!

Can I get a whoo hoo?!

Just a little declaration here: I'm done (for now) re-editing Dead Rita's Wisdom! WHOO HOO! It took tremendous discipline but a certain publisher (we'll call him Rick-mostly because that's his name) who is coaching me will be pleased I'm sure!

It's amazing to sit for hours and read her wisdom that I have written about. It empowers me to accomplish so much! A woman whose life was so hard – who died too young. Who left behind magnificent wisdom. And I somehow captured it. Whether or not we have something here that is marketable remains to be seen – or as DR would say: "We shall see what we shall see".

So much dead wisdom out there! JFK, Eleanor Roosevelt, your deceased grandparent, a teacher's kind words when you were a child (and you're old now so they could be dead…) and it goes on and on. Do not take this lightly – but do see it all with a sense of wonder.

It's a definite whoo hoo moment!

Not a Spy

This came up yesterday again in a conversation. And I'd like to start by saying I am not a spy for the CIA. "URRRHH? " you say in your best Scoobie Doo voice??! In some parts of the world, if you get a lot done, it is assumed you possibly/may/probably work for the government. Different cultures look at the effectiveness of an individual in different ways.

Certainly in Rwanda I've been thought to be a spy for us/them…I don't know. And while I do find it amusing and a bit flattering that I'm that important or useful, it's not true. It's only a topic of conversation because I and Itafari accomplish so much in Rwanda with so little. http://itafari.org/

And the assumption is to accomplish so much, you must have amazing resources or connections or power. WHAT IF it were possible to accomplish so much because you're doing what you're meant to do; you have a belief and faith in the power of what is possible; and you'll overcome any obstacle to reach your goal. What if that was the truth. And so people who haven't found success believe that the other guy is just lucky/connected/corrupt. Shame on them.

In a country like Rwanda it's a bit easier to understand because so many people promise to accomplish something and don't. Well lucky us. It's not easy but we're determined. I'm determined on a personal level to accomplish the goals we set. And then set bigger goals and accomplish them.

Dead Rita is my inspiration. She overcame overwhelming odds and was an exceptional human being. She overcame poverty, ignorance, shame, abuse, fear and doubts. And did it anyway. I love that.

So all you would be spies: quit waiting for something or someone to save you or accomplish what you can't. Become your own solution. And stay out of the spy business.

HIM surgery

First it was my hearing. I think it was too much rock and roll in the 60's/70's….then I began to read words weirdly…the eyes are drying out. Now it's typing on my pearl…..the thumbs are going bad?!

I was in Hawaii over the weekend for a fundraiser for Itafari. My crackberry is great for sending and receiving emails. I had written to a friend that I was having *** surgery in August.

She wrote back and said, "what is HIM surgery?" I didn't type HIM, I typed GUM. On my keyboard letters are shared. So the GH key picked the G, the UI key picked the I and the M key behaved itself.

"No, not HIM surgery – GUM surgery" But we both thought of HIM surgery and she wrote back….

"Lol! I had him surgery 5 years ago - called it a divorce!"
What a great expression – HIM surgery for a divorce. And a hot flash is a POWER SURGE~ And the restaurant DB Dawson's is BABY DOLPHIN'S when the ears aren't working…

May all your senses serve you well – or at least give you a good laugh.

I’m going to Harvard AND Hawaii!

Today I was listening on NPR Fresh Air with Terry Gross to Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor, a brain scientist who suffered a stroke. She just wrote a book called My Stroke of Insight. She talks about this event in her life. The part that relates to me is that she was talking about Harvard and the need that scientists have to study brain tissue. She is the National Spokesperson for the Harvard Brain Tissue Resource center.

http://www.brainbank.mclean.org/Donate.html

Someday when I die, I can have my brain designated to go to this research center. And I thought, "what a great way to get into Harvard!" Not a lifelong dream, but certainly a nice coup. So I'm going to fill out the paperwork and let everyone know my desire for my brain to be carefully studied. (for the obvious and not so obvious reasons!) (to read more about Dr. Taylor, go to her website: http://drjilltaylor.com/ )

Check. Going to Harvard.

Tomorrow I leave for Oahu for 4 days. In addition to a fundraising event for Itafari on Friday night, it was going to be a week vacation for me and John. Unfortunately our 17 year old kitty Missy is ill and we really couldn't justify putting her down for a vacation (I don't want a new book called Dead Cat Wisdom!) So John's staying home to watch her and I'll be going over to have an event for Itafari to raise money for Rwanda. The event is Friday night, relax Saturday, home on Sunday – no vacation but hopefully a good event for Itafari! http://itafari.org/

Check without my mate...... a bit sadder. But going to Hawaii. (bonus: no kitties would be hurt in the making of a vacation!)

Pure Joy in the World

There's a YouTube video you must watch. It's called where-the-hell-is-Matt. It's so joyful your day will be better for the watching. And after you've watched it, please tell me if you truly believe the people of the world are different.

I say: not so much.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zlfKdbWwruY&NR=1

(and do click on the "watch in high quality" under the video) (and make sure your volume is on) (and enjoy)

One of my best pictures ever!

In April I was fortunate enough to meet President Bill Clinton when he was here in Portland stumping for Hillary. Previous blog about this is titled CLICK ! posted in April.

We had a great conversation about Rwanda and I wanted to memorialize it with a photo. Someone promised to take a picture for me so that I could use it for the Itafari website (http://itafari.org/) I in turn promised to buy a goat for the children of Rwanda for $25 in his honor! (Feel free to purchase goats yourself at the Itafari website under DONATE).

This last Thursday, my friend Bette Bode who was there representing the city of Beaverton the same day gave me the picture he had taken. And here it is. I'm not highly photogenic and usually my mouth is hanging open because I'm talking.... But this, I must say, is truly one of my better photos. And the only one capturing my conversation with the President.

The photographer, who will remain unnamed, will get a photo of the back of a goat rather than a goat purchased in this name. Makes me laugh – and truly 15 minutes of fame can be lost if not memorialized!!!

Help A Reporter Out!

Someone sent me Peter Shankman's website - HARO - Help a reporter out. It's a place to answer queries from reporters/writers on many subjects - because we're all an expert on something. I get 3 emails a day and am just WAITING for someone to request an 'expert' on people whose dead mother still inspires them on a daily basis..... (me! me! Call on me!)

I've seen some really interesting requests. Here's a sample from one of my emails today:

) What Not to Wear to Work

2) Gym Wars!

3) Natural Gas Fitted Power Plants

4) Love you, hate your job

5) Notable Latinas for new Magazine

6) Tokyo Sex Phone Operator (not kidding.)

An explanation of each request follows. Sign up on his website - he's funny and pithy - my kind of guy! And who knows, if you're a Tokyo Sex Phone Operator here's your chance for a little fame on your 'expertise!' (Dead Rita would be shocked!)

http://HelpAReporter.com/press/

Introducing Dead Rita!

I speak of her and this blog is because of her. So here she is. Uncharacteristically and decidedly animated in public! I love this picture of her. It's from the early 1990's.

She was my dearest friend and a fabulous Mom. Dead Rita's Wisdom, the book, is all about the wisdom she imparted throughout her life. After she died in 1998, I continued to think of the words and wisdom she brought to me. They do sustain me, and others. So the book will give you wisdom and remind you to tap into yours – either the wisdom from people in your life who are no longer alive, or those that who surround you and support you. Wisdom comes from other places too….tap into it.

See the survey to the right of this blog. Feel free to participate. Thanks!

Mayor v Queen for a Day

I've lived in Lake Oswego for 26 years. When we moved from Cleveland to this area we chose it for its schools and neighborhoods and proximity to Portland. Like many small communities it has its share of drama. I haven't noticed much all these years but suddenly this little town will be much more interesting to me for at least one special day.

I am part of the Lake Oswego Rotary and enjoy carrying out the theme of service above self. Last night was our annual Lobster Feed which clears over $100,000 for charities in the Portland area. There is a silent and oral auction. We entered items into the silent and oral auctions and then I try VERY hard not to bid on anything!

We need nothing. I can sell three quarters of the STUFF I have and not miss it. I know this, and yet I wander the tables. Looking for that MUST have item. One little thing caught my eye.....MAYOR FOR A DAY IN LAKE OSWEGO! Now that sounds like fun. Bid a few times and ended up winning. Whoo hoo! (do mayors say 'whoo hoo'??) Off to a shaky start already!

I'll follow Mayor Judy Hammerstad for a day (includes lunch - I'm all about that!) and see what it's like to run this lovely little town of ours. And already the power is going to my head! How exciting is this!?

Dead Rita and I used to watch Queen for a Day in the early 1960's. I always wanted her to be Queen for a Day....she was perfect. And the gifts! Ah! A refrigerator! A stove! I remember nothing else. But the scepter, the cape, the crown, the adoration, and then...the refrigerator!!

I wonder if Mayor for a day comes with any of those things? I've never seen Mayor Judy with any regal finery.....could be my first (and last) order of business! I'd love a new refrigerator too.

Oh well. I may have to be content wielding little or no power just watching local government in action.

A little fantasy I've had for the last 12 years since we passed through the town of Cashmere Washington was becoming THEIR Mayor! They make aplets and cotlets there. If you don't know what they are, here's a website: http://visitcashmere.com/ A long shot for sure since we have no plans to relocate.....

But, Mayor for a Day in Lake Oswego......maybe for xxxx number of days in Cashmere?? As I can well attest: anything is possible!

Happy Father's Day Bugsy!

He's not my Dad. He's my husband. My Dad, Mr. Papa died just over 2 years ago. I celebrated him for years. But it's always good to celebrate the man in your life who is a great father. That's John. My view is definitely a bit one sided. But loving him for 28 years and watching him love his kids has taught me a lot about him.

When we met he was legally separated and raising the kids by himself. He told me that he would do anything for his children, and he has. He has never complained, been bitter if they forgot to acknowledge him, expected anything from them because of what he gave them. He was a father's father.

Truly loves his children unconditionally. Much like Dead Rita loved us. I never saw that in Mr. Papa. His love was fairly conditional. But not John. It was one of the many reasons I fell big time for him. Most men I met then were selfish. Not a character trait I have ever seen in him.

So happy Father's Day to my husband. You love well and try hard to be a good Dad. And doing your best is all you have to do.

Dead Rita would have LOVED this!

Today I began to Twitter. It's called one of the fastest-growing phenomena on the Internet by Time Magazine. I say, 'who knew!?' I'd heard about it and today a friend suggested I begin twittering. I think it's a bit similar to IMing, which I am pathetic at doing! (even my friends in Rwanda think so but are too polite to tell me!) I'll be working in Rwanda and someone sends me an IM. I can't seem to respond and I'll enter a pre written message like, "the answer is yes." I am seriously truly pathetic.

Dead Rita was cool at 51. I'm 51 and by beginning to Twitter today it occured to me she was always doing things at whatever age she was that were currently happening in the world. She would have had a cell phone and twittered her grandchildren in Indiana. She loved technology.

I remember being 26 to her 51 and she kept up quite nicely. I wish she'd Twitter me. But then she'd be alive. No Book. No Dead Rita. OK by me! Instead, Rita's dead and I'll just wish she'd send me a Twitter......

Wouldn't it be great to get a Twitter from Heaven??!! What would that look like?? Probably wouldn't say, "HELL-O!" She'd say, "Hiya Vits!" So there's a link on the blog now to Twitter me. Knock yourself out....and I hope I'll be able to do more than say, "The answer is yes!"

Pithy in 140 character or less. Good goal. Go to http://twitter.com to learn more.

Radioake ™

Friday night we went to see Jude at the Aladdin Theatre in Portland. Big night out for the folks!! I don't go to a lot of concerts. The biggest concert I ever remember attending was in 1976 in Cincinnati Ohio to hear the Allman Brothers! I went with a guy I was dating who was seriously into drugs…and we stopped at a friend's house before the concert. The wife of his friend (whose nickname was HOOVER because she snorted cocaine so fast) and her husband accompanied us to the concert. I was miserable. We were at the top of the coliseum (or whatever the building was) in Cincinnati and everyone and I mean EVERYONE around me was seriously high. Except me. Didn't do drugs. Did drink a bit though. Wasn't a big Allman Bros. fan….but I digress.

Friday night's concert was nothing like that. Jude was great – I won tickets on KINK radio….I love winning things! We had a lovely dinner before the concert and sat and listened to this guy. But the audience was rude. Shouting out his songs just to be heard. "Asshole!" someone shouted. Turns out that was one of the songs!! They weren't heckling him but it got on our nerves. We listened to him for about an hour. People were singing along (they knew the words….) I was just listening. And I realized something about the way people sing.

They're always better when they're singing along. Karaoke is not easy. I've watched a lot of people try it. I did see a staid Japanese businessman in Tokyo get up to do karaoke in a tempura house turn into Elvis right before my eyes…..maybe it was the Sapporo beer but he was fabulous!! Except for that moment in the 1980's in Tokyo, not so pretty. But so many of us can sing like professionals along with the radio or a live performer! I'm one of them! I'm a fabulous singer….with the radio blaring. I'm seriously (not) surprised I'm not asked to sing in a band.

When John and I were first dating, I'd sing every song on the radio. Every one. Really. Still do. Little harder to hum along on NPR… I can hear a song maybe once and know the lyrics. It's a gift, kind of useless except that it amuses me. John and I had been together for a few months and I was crooning along with Bette Midler singing "The Rose". He turned to me and said, "you have a great voice." No one had ever said that. I fell a little more in love with him in that very moment.

Dead Rita in fact told me my voice wasn't so hot. Not being unkind. Just being Dead Rita – there's a great chapter in the book called "You're Flat" about the issue of my singing. And who do you know that loves you enough to tell you when you're flat in life….and when you're not.

Anyway, I realized Friday night I'm not a great karaoke singer but I'm a great RADIOAKE™ singer! My new word! I invented it! No such word for people who sing along with the radio! What do I do with this great invention??! Not a darn thing. But it's notable! Let me know if I didn't invent it…! And if you now know you can proudly call yourself a radioake™ singer, break a leg!

Orville – move over!

A very short but happy blog. If you read the last blog about a milestone, this one makes sense! Flight successful on 1 June 2008. Amazing. Enough said.

(3 hours later....) ok - maybe that was too short. The inspection went well by his test pilot and the plane flew like a bird! John went up with the pilot and everything is excellent! He will now need to fly 40 hours alone (or with an instructor) before he can take any passengers (like me!) up with him. After he's flown it for awhile, it will then be painted. I'll post any new pictures when it looks different.

A milestone

I love talking about dead people…..especially Rita. But today my mind is filled with a person whom I love like crazy. It is my beloved (and very much alive) husband, John "ScubaCat" Trabosh. Today, not far away in Hubbard, Oregon he is having his Van's Aircraft experimental RV9 airplane flown for the first time. He built this plane over the last 2 years. It's really ridiculous how incredible this feat is to me.

Not only in the fact that he did it, but truly the way he did it. Methodically, quietly, intelligently and passionately. The boy loves to fly. And if you have a pilot in your life and want to make their eyes glow, let them speak AT LENGTH about ailerons or intersection fairings or the empennage horizontal stabilizers or …….. WHA???? Whoo – hoo! I love my pilot and his passion.

The weather is overcast and drizzly today. He's hired a test pilot to take the initial flight. He'd do it but I sincerely believe he'd be so excited he could miss something. And the inaugural flight should not be the final flight…..so a better experienced pilot is a better solution. I am clearly not at the hangar for this momentous occasion. I tend to distract ScubaCat. And he doesn't need that….and I'm not interested in being ignored so here I sit.

But I want to celebrate the man the holds me dear and keeps me interested. We met in 1980 when I was a sweet young thing of 22….he was a very cool 40 year old trying to figure out how to raise his four children alone. I distracted him when he least was looking to be distracted. And we've been distracting each other ever since.

Congratulations my dearest friend and husband. And here's a quote that speaks to me for you and said in the year of your birth.

You'll be bothered from time to time by storms, fog, snow. When you are, think of those who went through it before you, and say to yourself, 'What they could do, I can do.' Antoine de Saint Exupéry, 'Wind, Sand and Stars' 1939.

And I know you can do it. Much love to you, V

Leaving a Stain

I am outrageous. Outspoken. Irreverent. Shocking at times. Inspiring. Funny and often hilarious (just ask me!) But I listen deeply to others and while often quick to interrupt in my enthusiasm (sigh) I really get the power of words. All of the things I mention at the beginning of this blog are not an apology.

I PRAY that God has a sense of humor and I'm not going to get a major wuppin' when I reach the pearly gates. (not worried, but it does cross my mind….just like when I walk into a room where I'm expecting a lot of people and see signs of people (notebooks, coats, personal items, etc., but no people). I've often thought in the last 26 years of my Christianity, "UH-OH! Armageddon has started and I MISSED that initial 'all the good ones rise into heaven' moment'.") Note from blogger: any Christians out there reading this – no scripture lessons necessary – I get the real message…..so just smile with me!

This weekend I was recovering from some gum surgery. And this is a direct shout out to DEAD RITA: thanks for those fabulous gums Mom!! I've often looked at the medical issues my parents had, and while I'm healthy I go through that checklist on the medical sheets you fill out and check all those little boxes! History of almost all the deadly medical sins – diabetes, heart disease, high blood pressure, cancer (even BREAST cancer for a grandfather!) and the list goes on. No additions – I don't think either one had any time left for them!! Once I wrote at the bottom of the page: This bloodline must be stopped!

This gum surgery's a doozy and no fun. I was talking with someone this weekend and had little patience. (that's it – strip my gums and then tell me I can't eat). Little tolerance was my M.O. I didn't tell this person how I truly felt because I knew I'd end up 'cleaning it up' later. I'd have to apologize for what I had said (true or not – because the spirit and tone of it would have been nasty).

And in that reflection I had a moment with a new angel of a friend that makes me laugh and think. We met up for a bit on Sunday. She not only was good for my soul she made me laugh so hard I was afraid I blew some sutures out of my mouth. Talk about the agony and the ecstasy! As we discussed what I WANTED to say but had refrained, we had that whole "you're entitled" conversation. And I said, "no – I won't feel better – I'll have said something that would hurt in an unnecessary and calculated way AND I'd have to go clean it up."

And then it hit me: words leave a stain that never goes away. You can scrub it (apologize); clean it (hope it eventually fades); and ignore it (and others wonder if you know what they see). Because some stains never truly fade. I don't want to stain people with words that hurt. I've definitely done it, and apologize if it's possible. But it's not always possible. And my words are the mark I leave. The mark you leave.

Just a thought about a stain.

Places to See Before I Die

I recently changed my homepage on iGoogle and took off all the news feeds. (BBC/CNN/WSJ) Although the BBC is one of my favorites – not limited to inane American newsflashes such as: "Superstar ****** seen leaving 7-11 with large Slurpee – what about the diet??!!" , it's too much. I want to know what's going on but the news feeds distract me and don't inspire me. I get the WSJ and CNN Breaking newsflashes on email as well (they're about to bite the dust too) but enough is enough. I want to be inspired!

What better way than to have added Places to See Before You Die as a tab! Fantastic pictures of places I have been or want to have been keep popping up! Carnival in Venice; Shingo-La Pass, Lakakh, India; Pyramids of Gizeh, Cairo, Egypt; Trunk Bay, St. John, US Virgin Islands; Half Dome, Yosemite NP, California…you get the idea.

Two things come from this virtual stroll through the world.

1). I am grateful for the amount of travel I have had in the world. And how often I am pleasantly surprised to see a place I have been and can now add to the "it's ok to die now" side of the list.

2). I love the fact that the world is so diverse and beautiful – and I am motivated to work – knowing that by being successful I will have the chance to visit all of the places that intrigue me, or return to those places that bring me joy.

Information overload is overrated. I get the news often enough through the paper and NPR radio that I'm truly enjoying my refreshed iGoogle home page. I've also noticed when I've traveled with very little English speaking TV available, I can usually get CNN The World. They cover the news of the world and if I try to get too much, I'm suddenly watching the same news stories two hours later. There's only so much that's truly newsworthy – and well covered, it doesn't have to take over my day (or screen). Now back to my regularly scheduled Sunday.

Looking back at the last 30 years

I purposely don't spend a lot of time looking back. When I was in high school, I used to talk about the past all the time. And a great friend of mine named Tom whom I respected once looked at me impatiently and said, "Vicky you spend all your time talking about the past! Think about the future!" And with that, I was done looking at the past. But this week was an exception.

Back to the past. I spent four days in Ft. Wayne this week to attend my nephew's graduation from IUPU at Ft. Wayne in their fine arts program. Josh is the one that inspired me to begin this blog – to showcase Dead Rita and her wisdom. (That previous blog is the first one in April 2008 titled Take Your Art to the World.)

I don't go back to Ft. Wayne, Indiana much. It's a great place to be from, but I wanted out of Ft. Wayne since I was about 10. Mr. Papa was from New York City and I have a New York state of mind. My goal was to get to New York….I made it as far as Cleveland when I married John and then we ricocheted to the West Coast when we moved to Oregon in 1982. Still love living in Oregon but I also feel whole and as if I'm home when I walk down the streets of New York. Ft. Wayne, not so much.

But I would go there anytime to see my brother and his family. As I sat in the Memorial Coliseum Wednesday night and watched Josh graduate, I went back to 1981 when I sat in the same coliseum and graduated from the same school with a degree in business, major in accounting. John and I had not married – that would happen 3 months later. But he was there, sitting with Dead Rita and Mr. Papa, watching. He had graduated college years earlier and he came from Cleveland to watch his young fiancé get her diploma. He later said to me, "Vic, you talked through the WHOLE thing!" I've always felt bad about that. Like I'd done something wrong. But sitting there in the stands, I noticed EVERYBODY was talking during the dutiful reading of 1,500 + graduates! (except when Josh's name was called and we cheered like maniacs!) Even all of the professors and heads of the departments on stage! "HA!" I thought! There was nothing wrong with me talking 27 years ago! That alone was worth the price of admission (free – but that's not the point!) I called John on my cell phone back in Oregon during the reading of the names to tell him that I was sitting in the same coliseum where he had watched me 27 years earlier graduate and BY THE WAY – EVERYONE is talking so HA! (he laughed, told me he loved me).

My life flooded back over me and I was again amazed at this journey and where it has lead. I always tell young people don't even try to guess where you'll be in 20 years….you'll be wrong. Never in a million years would I have guessed we'd move to Oregon less than a year after I'd married. That I'd NOT become a CPA but instead reach goals beyond my imagination. That 27 years later I would not regret marrying a man with 4 teenagers but instead would revel in the joy this family would bring to my life. That I would return to Ft. Wayne to watch my brother's eldest son graduate in a field that Dead Rita had encouraged him to pursue, and that yes indeedy, he was taking his art to the world! That Rita and Mr. Papa would both be dead and it would matter deeply to me that they were no longer present to share these milestone moments.

I raced home to Oregon Thursday eveing so that I could speak Friday morning in one the most important speeches I have given to date. Not for its content, but for its audience. I had the joy of speaking at the conference for the Guardian/Conservator Association Conference, the organization that I co-founded 20 years ago and served as its first President. Another look back.

My work as a guardian/conservator was born from a desire to be at home with the kids after we moved to Oregon. Teenagers appear to me to need some supervision. And my personal big dream at the time of becoming a CPA would have to wait. It's still waiting. I needed something to do that would be meaningful but keep me close to home. That business, which began in 1983 and closed in 2000 significantly altered my life's work and gave me wisdom and knowledge that serves as a clear thread to today.

And the image of saffron threads comes to mind. They are so fine and delicate….and yet they dramatically affect the flavor of any recipe. Saffron comes from the saffron crocus. It takes 75,000 blossoms or 225, 000 hand-picked stigmas to make a single pound of saffron which explains why it is the world's most expensive spice. It takes so little to make add a significant flavor in a dish.

And so it is with our life. It's the little things. The ability to look at the past and see those seemingly insignificant moments in retrospect that give meaning to today. It was a wonderful week. And not just because I got to spend time with my brother and his family. Or that I got to see old friends and new faces of those who want to make a profound difference in the lives of the elderly who are most vulnerable.

But because I remembered once again that our future is profoundly shaped by our past. And it takes away the fear of what the future holds. I was never right before about where the present would lead and I am certain that is not changing! But for now, it's back to the future.

Happy Mother's Day Mini-me. You complete me.

It seems as though 10 years should be long enough to mourn. Long enough to lessen the feeling of loss. Long enough to stop thinking of someone almost, if not every, day. But it's not. Not in my experience. But that is not really about the loss. It is about the love.

I loved Dead Rita so richly, so completely, so well. And she returned the favor. I loved Mr. Papa also very deeply….but he has only been gone a bit over two years and he is not present with me the way she continues to be. And those are just the facts.

When Dr. Evil looks at Mini-me and says, "Mini-me, you complete me" in Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me (1999) I laugh out loud. No surprise. I live out loud. And in that silliness of that line, I realize Dead Rita was my Mini-me – she completed me.

And I am not alone in feeling completed by another human being. That is just what happens when any two people are simpatico. That is just the easiest of relationships in our lives. But by far not the only one or sometimes even what we need. I would guess if I needed Dead Rita to be alive, she wouldn't be dead. And then I wouldn't be calling her Dead Rita. (and Live Rita's Wisdom just wouldn't be as interesting!)

I think of Mother's Day in a selfish manner. No Mother to celebrate and cherish. As a stepmother, it's always been a hard day. Some of my kids remember me on that day, others don't. And that is truly ok. I'm not their mom. I am their stepmother. And I have loved them all deeply for 27 years. They know that. They know that I know they know that. And that's good enough for me. Yet I look for deeper meaning in this life.

Then last night my perspective was once more broadened and I am richer for it.

Last night I heard Stephen Lewis, former Canadian Ambassador and UN Special Envoy for HIV/AIDS in Africa. He founded and is now working for an international advocacy agency organization, AIDS-Free World. The subject was the AIDS pandemic and its truly unspeakable and unbelievable affect on the children of Africa. About the strain children in Africa often feel to survive. About the daily challenges of living that we as Americans can rarely, if ever, imagine. About how a child In Africa struggles to understand how their mother could die before their eyes from the ravages of AIDS. And they may be the only one to see it or care. The facts and figures of this work cannot be written here….it's too much. But we must become aware of how there is a subterranean racism that allows the world to turn its back on AIDS in Africa – and yet we can afford to spend billions on a war in Iraq. Become more educated by looking at Stephen Lewis' site: http://aids-freeworld.org/

And what does this have to do with my Mother's Day message? Everything. All of us become children once again when our Mother dies. Sometimes for a moment, sometimes for a lifetime. Grief is so personal. So private. And yet we feel another's pain if we are watching with our soul. I listened last night with my soul. I felt the grief of a child losing their mother that didn't have to be. That a motherless child is never the same. We must look at what is happening around the world with the AIDS pandemic, especially in Africa and choose to do more. It is our responsibility and our ability that will lead to answers. Don't wait for governments or celebrities to fix this. You choose to help, in any way you find most empowering.

To any of you who read this and are now a motherless child, you are acknowledged. If your mother completed you, how fortunate you are. If you are completed by another person living or dead, be wise to that. And if you have not had that experience of being completed by another, consider that you may complete someone else through who you are to them.

Happy Mother's Day, to the mothered and the motherless.

Unexpectedly Grateful

I do not know what came over me today. The weather is crappy. I have a ton of things to do. And I was just down. John and I went out to lunch and I was itching for…not a fight…but an opportunity to be discontented.

Smart man: he didn't play into it. Then we came home, I took out one of my famous 50/50 pies (half blueberry/half cherry with a pie fence crust and lattice top) – (really, I should patent these babies!) and then to the grocery to get things tonight to take to a friend's home for dinner and items for a dinner tomorrow night to host some people who are headed to Rwanda at the end of May.

After a lovely shopping experience of all things fresh and organic, we sat while I had a coffee at New Seasons. I was watching people, thinking about their lives, what their story might be. A woman at least my age found a table and tentatively looked at a job application for the grocery store. She looked so damn tired. And I thought how difficult her life must be – she had that energy. And I rarely feel sorry for anyone, but I felt sorry for her. And I thought I'm tired too, but I'm sure it's different for her.

Dead Rita was always "tired tired tired" as she would say. And she looked at her life in many ways as not being the life she wanted. And as I thought about my life and all of the demands on me that I have created, none of that is true for me. This is the life I want. I have created all of these demands. There is nothing - nothing I am doing that I do not choose to do. And in that revelation, in that moment, I looked at my beloved husband and was overcome with a sense of gratefulness for the life I have.

A far cry from the discontent I had felt only an hour earlier. And as I write this I go from grateful to empowered. And my thought becomes: bring – it – on! Bring on the challenges, the opportunities, the failures, the success. And I'm reminded that I can create an amazing life full of moments of discontent and moments of gratefulness. And that's a good day for me.

The End of my Jubilee Year

It's amazing that as humble as Dead Rita's beginnings were, she named a daughter in 1957 after Queen Victoria! And I've always known it. I knew that Victoria meant victorious. I knew that Queen meant Queen. And I cozied up to it! And she never called me VICTORIA DIANE! when I was in trouble. Not that I got in that much trouble. A pretty good kid….and when I wasn't good, I kept it quiet.

I've always felt an expectation to succeed. In many families it is spoken. In mine, it was understood. And so I met and exceeded Dead Rita's expectations and mine as well.

One of the great things Dead Rita did was celebrate her family. My birthday is May 31^st. In the 'good old days' Memorial Day was always the 30^th of May. So we would always go to the Memorial Day Parade. And I always imagined it was a parade for me! (no illusions of grandeur there!!)

We'd celebrate my BD on the 30^th. And then on the 31^st I'd celebrate AGAIN. I eventually (and still ) grew to celebrate my birthday the entire month of May! But I'm tough: it ends promptly at midnight on May 31^st. June celebrations for me lack that 'birthday' feel. But any and all events in May are sanctioned.

Last May 31^st I turned 50 and declared it my Jubilee Year – 50^th year celebration just like….wait for it….the QUEEN! It was a good year!

I went to Rwanda, loved my family, grew my business and most importantly, wrote Dead Rita's Wisdom. It's done and now it's in the rewrite stage. I'm very excited about it and sharing her wisdom.

A strong part of her was celebrating those she loved. I strive to do the same. I love giving someone a round of applause - literally or figuratively. So let's hear it for the little victories. The overcoming of unbelievable obstacles. The joy of the moment.

And the importance of sharing wisdom. That must be celebrated. And so as I prepare to enter my Jubilee più un, may I not forget to celebrate – for myself and others.

My email is ringing off the hook

No matter the businesses I run or companies I've worked for, I always hear the phone ring. It's my baby's cry. Now my phone doesn't ring much. There are definitely calls: My clients call. I call people. I check for messages. But it's not the volume – the fistful of messages I would be handed when I walk into my office.

After Rita died, Mr. Papa used to call me EVERYDAY work day at 9am to see what I was doing. How my sales were going. What I had planned. I loved the sound of his voice. Even when he had the stroke and couldn't speak, my phone rang at 9am and I heard "AAAAAAARRRGGGGH!!!" "Mr. Papa????" "RAAAGGGHGH!" LOVE that! And he regained his voice and it was a wonderful part of my life until he died. I miss those calls.

Pesky sales people call. And they're not listening! (I always answer my phone, "good morning/afternoon…..Vicky Trabosh". And then a sales person will say: "Is Vicky Trabosh available?" And I calmly answer "no she isn't".) Unbelievable.

But I love the ring of my phone. I miss talking with people. And yet I'm in demand. But it's my email that is ringing off the hook!

Loving that? Not so much. So sorry.

I miss talking with people. And I'll admit, I get some unbelievably great emails! But the volume is crushing. Because in the midst of the dump that has become my inbox, lie beautiful flowers….those flowers are emails full of wisdom, humor, pathos, important stuff!!! And sometimes I just miss them! Too much! I swear it's almost rolling by! I can't keep up. I'm out for a few hours, 50 new emails download!

And in different languages too! I speak Russian – but I can't read the Russian junk for enhancement products (which is ok)….

Making appointments with people I truly want to see over email can become excruciatingly painful. Back and forth, back and forth, back and…..then I can fall off the email train!! I hate that!

You want a piece of me??! Call me. (As soon as you get done reading my blog which was just delivered courtesy of your email or internet.)