I wish I could see what you see

It was always one of the things about Dead Rita that was so frustrating. She couldn't see herself clearly. She couldn't see the beauty, the wisdom, the strength that those of us who knew her saw in her. And when I would spend hours talking with her about who she was, and that she could do anything, she'd look at me and sadly say, "I wish I could see myself the way you see me. But I don't."

I thought I had that one under control. That I saw myself clearly. But in the last few days, and especially today, I realized, I don't. I am truly not believing what is possible – or what I've accomplished. And it's a shame. Because too much time is spent trying to overcome my OWN objections. Really frustrated, I decided to blog about this and then I thought about turning to a chapter in Dead Rita's Wisdom for some….wisdom! And the following is an excerpt of what I found just now that I had previously written in a moment of clarity in the Chapter titled "Yes, but":

After she died, I received a wonderful gift from her. I believe it is the last piece of wisdom I ever heard in her voice. It was in 2003, I was at a coaching retreat and had come to some realizations about who I truly was and what I could bring to the world. And it wasn't grand or grandiose, but it was life changing and very grounding for me. Knowledge brings peace – there was no euphoria, just a settling in my soul who I was. And as I sat journaling in this last day of the retreat, I was filled with a serenity and then I heard Dead Rita say to me, "Vic, you have just learned what I never knew: you have learned who you are and now no one will have to spend their lifetime trying to show you that – and no one will have the responsibility as you felt for me to try and get them to see their own innate skills and gifts."

If Dead Rita's Wisdom never hits the shelves, I'm good because it's real wisdom and it will used to help those who can benefit from it through me. (But I'm seriously up for a monster book tour!)

I forgot what I know. I have to reflect and remember and see myself as others see me. Not for better or worse (the way I usually head), but actually as who I am.

In my fears and frustration today, I continue to faithfully ask for signs and support. And they come not from an apparition of Dead Rita, but in the form of profound conversations – and wonderful friends, old and new, who touched my life today.

And I am truly thankful.