I met John in January 1980. We married August 15, 1981. (honeymoon picture shown above) I was 24. His children were 12, 14, 16, 18 and he was 42. They said it wouldn't last. And they was everybody. Fair enough. It looked impossible. But the impossible is always possible. Ask anyone who has overcome impossible odds. An Olympian athelete, a single parent, a business person facing terrible odds, a survivor of the 1994 Rwandan genocide. And yet. We accomplish the impossible.
Our lack of support was complete. Dead Rita's support was nonexistent and would have been a deal breaker if she hadn't taught me the following lesson: "someday you may choose someone we disagree with – if you can leave your entire world to be with him, then go. If not, he's not the one." I got engaged on a regular basis (no really) and whenever I asked myself that question, invariably I knew the answer was NO I WOULDN'T LEAVE MY ENTIRE WORLD TO BE WITH THIS MAN!!
As we neared the big day in 1981, I got nervous and asked myself the question above. Without thinking, I said, "yes, I would leave my world!" I was stunned and afraid and knew he was the one. In the meantime, Rita (not dead then) did everything but throw herself in front of a train to stop the upcoming nuptials.
In fact, 2 nights before our wedding JOHN told me I shouldn't marry him! He told me I didn't know what I was doing. I was devastated and told him, "look – someone has to believe in this besides me! You have to believe we can make it."
But a year after we were married, Dead Rita apologized and said she was wrong. I reminded her of the wisdom she had given me when I was 17 which made me realize he was the one. She didn't remember but it was true wisdom. (it's this kind of universal wisdom in the upcoming book)
A seriously great marriage. Funny, sexy, loving, successful. We're now 51 and 69. I'm at the height of my career, John is retired for 6 years and just built an airplane. Life is good. And while everything could change in a moment, I cherish this life and what we've shared. I do – I do – I do!
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4 comments:
I love, love, love your story. Great advice but really only useful for women who already have a strong self-concept as you do. I have seen other women "give up" everything for the wrong man. The ides is to not necessarily do it. If it's the right partner they won't want you to change anything to be with them. I guess your willingness was the point.
Beautiful story.
Kind of....I wish we didn't want our partners to change but we do. If we stay together we learn that they won't change for us - but we will change over time. I think the strong self concept you know in me now is NOT who I was at 24. But Dead Rita knew that I should carefully examine my reasons for choosing someone and the statement of "leave your world...." was the catalyst for the head conversation. I did it because I knew she was wise and I always listened to her. I didn't do (nor do I now) do a lot of "yes, but". We need to look for a partner that doesn't complete us, but is part of our life's puzzle. John is that piece. AND I knew at 24 that if I chose him, I was also choosing to become an instant parent to his children. They are the ones that get the raw deal. And because they have no say in their parent's choice, the incoming spouse must be the adult and realize that any love and respect must grow and is never a given. Thanks for commenting! I adore you and appreciate your thoughts! Vic
what a great story! can't wait to see you in just over a month's time!!
Thanks for the real and intimate sharing. This is such an important topic. My son was 12 when I met my husband and I did attempt to give my son a choice. I wanted him to be on board and to see that there would be benefits to a new person being there for him as well. For that reason the whole process was slower but in the end it worked and they are really close now - 17 years later. I acknowledge that your situation was much harder because they were older and you were younger, plus four of them!
My son, who is now 29 has recently gotten involved with a women who is 39. It is really hard for him because he really loves her but feels he wants to be with someone his age. He wants children. She might- but... running out of time and they just met. He is aware of the challenges and lifestyle choices that go with the relationship. Great topic!
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